All right, so I am driving in my car right now. It is a Tuesday morning. I just dropped the kids off. My throat is raw. My nose is stuffy. It has actually made things really difficult. I could not record last night or the night before, and I honestly do not know what I am doing wrong, so I am feeling very frustrated.

But I went to the podcast summit last week, and honestly, it was so much fun. I feel like I learned a lot, and I am so grateful for that. I got to see old friends, made new friends, and had the opportunity to connect with a couple of people for the future. That was just one part of my week that made me feel like the things I want to start and the platforms or brands I want to build are more aligned with who I am.

It seemed like a really good place to start. It also showed me that I am headed in a good direction. I feel like I am setting a foundation that will hopefully help me for years to come. I want to be proud of the platform that I am building, with my background, the things I have already learned, and the things I still have left to learn.

I also ended up getting into a disagreement with some people in my life. These are some of the closest people to me. I was not hearing the words they were saying, and they were not hearing the words I was saying. For me, there was some alcohol involved, just two glasses of wine, and it definitely heightened things. I am also on a new medication, and honestly, those things are not excuses for my long term or short term thought processes.

I have always played devil’s advocate with friends and family. Sometimes it is about my own family members. Sometimes it is about other people or things that I have felt protective over or fond of. It is not my best character trait because I think there are two sides to every story. Or really, three sides. Your version, their version, and the truth.

Sometimes I assume that how I feel is right, but sometimes how I feel is wrong. I did not want to accept that. I also felt uncomfortable about where we were having the conversation. I have been doing a lot of reflecting.

I apologized for the words I said, for the tone I used, and for the word choices I made. I did not convey what I meant, and I ended up hurting people’s feelings instead of protecting someone else. Even though I think I went into the conversation with good intentions, I am learning that everyone has an opinion. Sometimes when people mess up, you cannot defend them. You have to let them defend themselves or let their actions speak for themselves.

If things do not unfold the way you want them to, that is just life. You have to accept it. I am not in control of how someone else chooses to act, and I cannot dismiss what other people have experienced with that person.

A part of me was reacting from a hurt place. I did not realize that until afterward. I was upset and confused about why I reacted so strongly toward people I love, about a person we all love. I kept replaying everything over and over in my mind, trying to make sense of it.

Earlier in the week, after the podcast summit, I ordered several books that I thought would help me learn and grow. I wanted tools so that when I speak with you all, my thoughts are clear, concise, and grounded in something meaningful.

One of the books I ordered was The Body Keeps the Score. It is a book many people have talked about, and already I have learned that people with PTSD can become triggered and react strongly. I realized that part of my reaction came from that place.

PTSD does not just affect you. It affects the people around you because of how you react. If you do not have a handle on those reactions, they can cause real damage. I think the location of where we were having the conversation triggered me. It was not private, and after everything I experienced last year, location matters to me. I felt triggered, and I lashed out at people I love.

You can learn from things, but that does not take away the pain you caused or the damage you did. I am strongly reminded of that.

I feel very blessed because I apologized the next day to the people I needed to apologize to, and everyone accepted my apology. Moving forward, I hope they see that I am learning.

I have also started to believe that an apology should come with action. When you apologize, you should change your behavior or seek help to change it. That is what I intend to do. That is also what I expect from the people in my life. Without change, an apology can become manipulation. Some people are very good at empty apologies, and that makes me question which is worse. Manipulation or outright defiance.

I also ordered a few other books, about four or five total. I ordered a book from my high school friend Will Hughes called Stories of the East, and I am looking forward to reading that as well.

I am planning to pivot from 101 Ways to Change the Way You Think, which I will still skim, and focus more on The Body Keeps the Score. I also want to focus on journaling. I created my own journaling app called My Inner Mind. You can find it in my notes or by typing in myinnermind.halliewho.com. You can save it to your phone and add it to your home screen, and it will look just like an app. It is simple, efficient, and I created it with you in mind.

I am entering a contemplative season in my life. I want to strengthen my relationships, including the relationship I have with myself. Understanding yourself is one of the biggest journeys you can go on. Just like we explore the world around us, we also need to explore our inner world, our inner minds, and ourselves.

I am signing off, guys.

Blessings.

See you soon. 🤍